Apple Snack

I think we have a new favorite snack: Apples, smeared with peanut butter and dipped in sprinkles. Three bowls, each sitting on its own square of tile. Curly Sue and I sat on the kitchen floor and munched our snack during Lou's morning nap. And talked about "our" dragons. Her's is pink, of course. And mine is purple. My dragon, as you might have guessed, is her dragon's mama. And tomorrow we're going to ride them high in the sky---whoosh. And eat more "apple snack.....with 'prinkgos". I could have sat there with our heels crossed and our backs against the white cabinets, talking about dragons all day long.

Hello, Old Friend

Little Lou was sick last night. And today. Things are looking up tonight and I'm so glad because I hate when my babies are sick. Especially my baby babies. It's the saddest thing in the world to see that troubled, pudgy face just begging me to make it better. But I can't. So I hold her, and love her. And sing and nurse and we wait together. Until, finally, her miraculous little body works it out, whatever it is that made her so stuffy and downright uncomfortable.
This morning, as I was trying to feed the poor thing, and it wasn't going very well....my mind drifted back to the time I spent recovering in the hospital after she was born. I was having trouble settling down for a nap. Apparently I always get like that when my babes are new, just amazingly over-charged. My mind was so full of nothing and everything at once that I couldn't make it shut up. It just kept buzzing. I looked over at my tiny companion in her bassinet. Sleeping soundly, exhausted from the effort of her debut into the world. And although she was so brand spanking new she barely even had a name, to me she felt as welcoming as an old friend. The kind you will always love just because you simply do. I picked her up and put her in the bed with me. And she brought with her that cozy old familiarity. Then, basking in its warmth, I fell asleep.

Sugared Strawberries

When I was a kid the family across the street had a girl about my age and we were good friends. We used to play this game where we would close our eyes and just breathe....then we'd tell each other what the smells we inhaled made us think of. My favorite place to play the game was just inside her front door; it smelled the way that Easter yellow would smell if colors had a scent.
The game became a habit for me and I've played it ever since. I played it as soon as I got off the plane when I went to Hawaii. It smelled just like flowers, and peace. I play it now when we visit museums, when I get on the train, when I turn down new streets. And I play it on the sly when I'm with people I love. With my Grandpa, who smells like leather and oil. My brother, who smells just like a new magazine. Every person has a fragrance, absolutely unique to them. And when I smell their scent, it's like having them with me no matter how far apart we are.
My three favorite scents the game has shown me are the ones I get to smell everyday. My husband, who smells like a soft, gray-green blanket, the kind I want wrapped around me when I snuggle up with a book on a rainy day. Little Lou, who smells fresh and sweet, like any baby should. And Curly Sue. When she sits in my lap or snuggles me at bed time, I close my eyes and breathe in. All I can see is sugared strawberries in a blue bowl. And a little bit of sunshine. And I can't help but smile.

Dear Me.....

A note to myself in a moment of madness.....

Dear Me,

It's time to just take a deep breath. Calm down, relax, and breathe. There are moments when chaos is acceptable. Don't worry that the house is a disaster, that breakfast is currently just a puddle of pancake batter mixed with all your laundry quarters on the kitchen floor, that its ten o'clock and your 0 for 3 getting anybody ready for the day. That there is an entire whiny soundtrack accompanying the scene. Or that the baby has eaten pretty much continuously for the past 24 hours and shows no sign of slowing down. The house will not disintegrate under the clutter, no one will starve and there is still plenty of time to get dressed.

If you need to, put the girls somewhere secure while you shut yourself in the bathroom for a two-minute tantrum of your own. Go ahead, jump up and down, flail on the floor, whatever you need to do. Then come out and embrace it. Dance in your pajamas. Be silly with them. Make them laugh, and let them make you laugh. Live in this moment, for it surely will pass. Speak gently, teach patiently, love tenderly. Because I promise you this, whether flavored as a sludgy nightmare or a cotton-candy daydream, today is only happening once.

Love,
Yourself

Sweet Dreams

This morning there was a moment when I very much feared that the day was going to begin at 4:30 AM. Impossible! I don't do mornings well in the first place but anything earlier than 6 will inevitably spell nasty mood which yields awful day. So when my toddler started calling for mommy and the baby wanted to nurse I got the three of us snuggled up in the cozy darkness and through some blessed combination of "Abc tickling", nursing and sheer will my dear ones drifted back to sleep. And just before I followed suit I looked at them: the little big girl with curls forever in her eyes, and the newbie sleep-giggling at some secret funny. And I was happy.

She will be loved....

As mentioned, I have two beautiful little girls. The first is currently in that Tasmanian devil stage we all like to call "age 2". She is an absolute tornado of giggles and sweetness and mischief and every once in a while we hit the eye of the storm and then it's time to cuddle and read books. And everything about her is screaming pink. I love it. I love her! And up until the arrival of our latest little ladybug, she was pretty much my world.

I remember being pregnant with her. I had this picture in my mind of exactly what she was like, and a million day-dreams come true about the mother I could be to her. I indulged in everything about her baby-hood; spent hours just holding her, adoring her, responding to her every squawk. Since she came first, and we had just moved across the country immediately before her birth, I had time to be obsessed :) Not so much with pregnancy number two. I felt like I couldn't really grasp who this one was or how I could possibly be the same mama to her. And I worried about it a little. Not that I should have.

She's here now. Our latest little gift. This peaceful, gentle soul. She's a change of pace, a whole new ball game. Her first six weeks of life have been somewhat different than her sister's. But every bit as beautiful. I can't hold her for hours and hours on end, or get lost in as many quiet moments, just the two of us. And sometimes I still feel like I have know idea how I should approach being a mother to two. But the moment they handed me this new little baby, any anxiety over that disappeared completely. Magically, this gigantic space appeared in my heart, all for her. Just for her. And so I'm okay with winging it, a lot, because now I know one essential thing: she will, without a doubt, be loved. Hugely, wholeheartedly, individually loved. And that, is enough. Its the best thing I could have offered her anyway.

Here we go...

I've never been the best at keeping a record of the big things in my life. But since becoming a mother I find myself enjoying sweet, simple moments and wishing for a way to make them stay. So here we go, this is my attempt to capture the goodness of each day that flies by....